its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
