I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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