Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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