I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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