Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
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This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
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It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
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