I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
