God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
