It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
