I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
