Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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