Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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