I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
