my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
