I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Pants are for mortals
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
