A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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