I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
