My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
