mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
