I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
