explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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