He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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