I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
