Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
