I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
