I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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