I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
