I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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