Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
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Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
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Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize