I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I came so hard my ears popped.
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