I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
