My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
