Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
