Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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