Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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