no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
