Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I didn't shave. On purpose
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
