bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
