just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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