ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
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Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
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i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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