dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
