do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'll put lettuce on them
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard