I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
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New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
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Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
He? As in you personified your dick?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?