Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Dating After Heartbreak
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0