I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
