Where are you?
In a non slutty way
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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