He had one of those small greek statue penises
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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