happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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