my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
