this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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