Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
