Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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