Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
