I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
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he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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