wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
