i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I need to align my fucking chakras
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