i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
