nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
