Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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