He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
